Permission

It has been a tough few days leading up to September 11, which culminated with some sad libby news tonight. I won't go into details but my sweet girl's health is failing her and me and everyone else who loves her.

I want permission. To grieve. Twice more. Starting tonight, and ending...i don't know when and then inevitably, again, once more.

I've always been too sensitive, always felt too deeply, let sadness sink me, let hurt overtake me. The same is true for happiness; in moments of joy, i am rich.

And when i can feel grief tightening in my throat and spreading across my chest, whether it's at the thought of losing my dear girl or watching the memorial services that took place across the country, i think of this and this and make a very conscious effort to take into account everything i have, all the life in my life. How easy it is to be buried by the weight of it all and how difficult at times it is to reach forward and have the strength and optimism to push it out of the way, to see beauty and good fortune. But i do see it, through eyes blurred with tears - tears of doubt and grief and gratefulness and the overwhelming feeling that i am, above all else, blessed.

And on these nights i vow to live my life. To live in joy, cherishing that though i feel so fiercely and dramatically, i feel.

And still, I want permission to grieve.