dead end(s)

Recently, my family has become more focused on finding out more/any information about my grandparents and our relatives that lived in Poland pre-holocaust. I very much feel the need to get some, any, even one of our many questions answered.

What prompted this? For me, it's been my writing. No, this isn't my story - it's my grandparents' story but it is my story to tell since they didn't have the opportunity to research and write like i do. And though it's not what happened to me, it's what happened to my grandma and my grandpa, it is, at least partially, what happened to me since they are both so much a part of who i am. So there's that.

Then, recently, my mom was reading a book written by a woman whose mother was from the same Polish town as my grandmother. As it turns out, one of the minor characters in this book is my mother's uncle, who she recognized by name. Very coincidental. I was very proud of my mom for writing an email to the author and in turn, the writer responded with a phone number for the top researcher of the town, as well as some Web sites that might help us find out more information about our family.

Lastly, this author was able to find photos of her relatives from their days in Poland. While i am starving for information, for details and stories, my mom just wants a photo. Growing up, my mom remembers an old photograph that my grandma had of her parents that she must have managed to carry with her through the camps but when my grandmother passed away in December of 2003, my parents could not find that photo anywhere much to the dismay and frustration of my mom. This discovery, that the holocaust memorial museum may in fact have photographs of the town's residents, reignited my mom's search.

At first, i didn't understand why my mom was so set on seeing a photograph and so satisfied with the possibility that that may be all we find. Now, i understand why.

For the past few day i have been using the web site searches that the author directed us to and have found NOTHING. AT ALL. Literally, no results for every name combination i come up with. Are we using the right spellings? Do we even have the right/enough info to be searching? No, we really don't but what else can we do?

Then, last night, my parents spent over an hour on the phone with the top researcher i mentioned above. And he could not find anything though he patiently searched and searched. It feels like a dead end. It is impossibly frustrating. Theses are not strangers that just disappeared. This is my family. My great grandparents, my mom's aunts and uncles and we know nothing - about how they lived or even how they died. Really, i am in disbelief. It goes against logic, it goes against the modern understanding that google it and you shall find. If they existed, and i know they did, how can there be no records - birth, or marriage? We know why there are no death records.

I suppose disbelief is a good emotion because i am not going to stop searching because i honestly do not believe that there is nothing out there. Do i think it's hard to find? Oh my goodness, yes. Am i discouraged? Um, yes. The top researcher, who "knows everything there is to know" about this town, came up with nothing. But there is no excuse for me to give up. This is my family - and i really do feel, whole-heartedly, that it's my duty, that i owe it to them, to honor their lives by at least working, even if it's for the rest of my life, to find out all i can about who they were.

I will end with some dark comedy.

Last night, when i tried calling my parents, their phone kept ringing and ringing. I knew that they must be on the other line. I assumed they were on with my brother and that they couldn't take a precious moment of rare Benny time to answer the other call. So, like the annoying little sister that i am, i texted my mom. It went like this:

me: herro?

mom: on phone

me: with who?

mom:the holocaust

I knew she must be on with the researcher but come on, it's kind of funny that my mom said she was on the phone with the holocaust.