autumn in new york

Since the wedding, I have made a conscious effort to redirect my time and energy.

Well, I’m trying.

Mainly, I’ve tried to run less and live more.

I mean "run" both physically and mentally. I’m trying to slow down in how I move and in how I think. This is a change I’ve wanted to make for months, if not years, and now that this major life event has taken place, it’s impossible not to see this time as a new stage in my life and the opportunity to make some changes – for me, for M., for us. But mostly, for me.

There will never be a good time to make these changes; it will never be easy to edit myself, to address parts of me that need work. But now is also not the worst time.

I don’t know how to do this but I am learning my way. What’s become clear is that it’s about undoing my habits and not forming new ones. It’s about not living in a routine or by self-inflicted rules but just simply going breath by breath and step by step until I am...just living. Or at least until it feels that way.

Like I said, part of this is about actually physically running less and devoting that time and that energy to working on other endeavors, whether that be writing or cooking, reading or just allowing myself to be still. So, for the past two weeks, I have not pushed myself to go running. But yesterday, I decided it was too beautiful and that I had the time and really wanted to run through our neighborhood, past the park and to the small strip of sand where Brooklyn meets the east river and opens to a clear view of Manhattan.

So I went out running and even though it’s late October, the air was warm and it was sunny and the sky was so blue overhead. And I felt such power in my legs and so much breath in my lungs and it felt like I was a part of the beautiful day. And I felt truly thankful for everything in my life and outside of it and for a few minutes, I could convince myself that maybe I am more than just a person going through the motions but a part of something bigger.

I was grateful – for all of my ever-muddled thoughts that came before and for the wave of clarity and lucidness I felt in those moments that I knew would pass because eventually my body would grow tired and my thoughts would cloud because it always does and they always do, which is why these times are so significant and so special.

And after some time, I did get tired, red-faced and out of breath and my thoughts turned to what chores I had to finish up and the busy work week ahead. I wanted to turn back and go home. So I slowed down and I headed back, I let myself stop. But i did not forget what I had felt in the first part of my run.

There is something to be said for the ability that we have to literally move forward and span a distance, for the motion our bodies make to propel us forward, move us from one static place to the next, even when our hearts and heads are holding us back.

It’s a start.