I'm silently judging you.

There are people who say "I don't judge." I'm not one of those people. I judge. It's not that I'm proud of it, it's just that it's the truth. It's not that I judge my family and friends, I judge them the least. It's people on the street that I scrutinize and myself, of course.

I don't mean to make excuses but it almost seems to be part of the new york city culture and I've fallen into it (or have I always been this way? yes, probably.) It's trendy to be judgemental. And all the crap I read on the internet doesn't help, I know that. It makes me fine tooth comb myself and every stranger that passes by.

I don't want to be doing this. I don't think it's a healthy habit. Even if I'm judging other people, it's hurting me the most. Sure, having an opinion is natural but when it's negative and somewhat constant, it's just pollution.

Since I was a kid, maybe 9 or 10, I got into the habit of biting my tounge everytime i saw roadkill. This made perfect sense to me - inflicting minor pain on myself in honor of the animal that had died because of human error was a way to acknowledge the moment and be conscious of my surroundings, rather than just accepting them. This is not to say that I never accidentally ran over a squirrel (may he rest in peace) but it was a comfort that I was bearing some discomfort in recognition of the little animal's lost life.

A few months ago, I realized that when riding the subway or walking down the street and having an unflattering thought about someone else or even myself, I bit my tongue - not hard, but just enough to recognize the moment and my behavior.

I don't expect to free myself from all judgement and I'm not sure I want to - I believe there is a fine line between judgement and opinion and I'd like to retain the latter, if not, further develop it.
It's a work in progress...like the rest of me.