Before the days of ipods

or at least before I had one, I had a portable cd-player. I use to carry it on my shoulder and blast rap music, as I walked through the streets.

Actually, I used it almost every single night when I was living in Rome. I would get into bed, put on the headphones (yes, headphones, not those little ear buds) and fall asleep listening to the SAME cd every night, Matthew Kahler's Out of the Blue. That cd became my safety blanket and was a huge comfort during a time when I felt lonely and not at my best. Even at the time, it seemed strange to listen to one cd so consistently but the order of the songs, the words and his voice became a much-needed sedative, or lullaby, if you prefer to be more romantic.

I discovered Matthew Kahler, an Atlanta native, through my brother, who became a fan of his after hearing him play live. In college, my brother would gather a few of his friends and me and we would go listen to Matthew play at a dimly lit, neighborhood dive bar. Matthew Kahler's music was warmth and family; he was familiar -- he was there, in my ears, putting me to sleep and reminding me of good things.

I know it's not unusual for music to "bring you back" to a specific time but listening to Out of the Blue is an extreme catharsis for me. It brings back all the up and (mostly) down feelings that I experienced during that semester abroad.

I rarely put it on now, not because I don't enjoy it but because I have such an emotional reaction to it that it can be hard to listen to. Last night, feeling (a bit) down, I felt the urge to dig it out and listen to it, to use it as therapy.

I think, to some degree, it worked. I put it on, sat in one of our easy chairs, drinking tea and bawled my eyes out. It felt so good.