Nobody knows, the trouble i've seen

For as long as i can remember, other people have taken note of my breathing. While breathing is something we all do, at least those of us that are living, for me it is apparently a very audible experience, or so i've heard.
From a very young age, my respiratory activity has enraged my brother. I remember sitting next to him on the couch watching mcguyver, inspector gadget or whatever else he had chosen during his reign as controller of the remote control and the rest of my life.
While he watched and i daydreamed about barbie and ken's future together, my brother would often complain that i was breathing too loudly and inconsistently, for god sakes, he could hardly hear the two strands of string mcguyver was rubbing together to save the girl from falling off the cliff, or something. Why would i do this? he wondered, did i do it to annoy him? Well, i wasn't sure why i did it, it was just what i did, it was how i breathed, hey, aren't we all just trying to stay alive?
If ever i dared read over his shoulder, bloodshed would ensue. "Breath like a normal person" he told me. How did a normal person breath? i wondered. At this point, you are probably all hating on benjamin for having tortured his dear, dear, slightly disabled sister but the truth is he was simply already preparing for his m.d. He was aggressively confronting me about my medical condition in hopes of..i don't know, something. Now you might all be expecting that my brother's dreams have been realized, that a doctor has diagnosed me with some sort of breathing problem. Not the case. Rather, my boyfriend has noticed my inability to breath like a human being as well. Now that i know it's not just my evil older brother simply irritated by the fact that his sister breaths at all, i am more conscious of my respitory-ness. Turns out, i make a shit ton of noise even when i'm just sitting still, not exerting any energy. In fact, at times, i sound like one of those bull dogs who has been bred to a certain "breed standard" so that his face is so flat he can't breath properly. in turn, he makes something of a snorting noise every time he inhales. this is all too familiar to my boyfriend but it's actually quite adorable, so i'm not worried. Also, I'm not blaming this on mom and dad. sure, i'm of good stock but i just don't think we can chalk this up to breeding me to meet a particular "jewish girl" standard. if that was the case, i'd say they done good: i got a big beak, dark hair and enough complexes to keep me on a couch from now until chanukah 2009.
I can't help but think that the fact that my breathing sounds like panting means that i was a dog in another life, a cute little doggie, who i am constantly channeling. Even when i'm sleeping, my mouth hanging wide open so as to get in all the freakin air i can. I must share that this is a very sexy look, if you don't all do this mouth open, drool down the chin look now, i suggest you try it, drives the significant other crazy! I'M KIDDING, i've never actually had a sleepover with a significant other (hi mom and dad and catholic boyfriend!). Anyways, you may all think this is a bad, degrading thing, to have been a dog in a past life but please re-read the blog post complexly entitled:"puppies" and you will see this brings me great joy.
let's talk deviated septums for a moment. growing up, i had a friend who said that if her nose ever got "accidentally" broken, or if she discovered she had a deviated septum, her mother would buy her the dream nose she alway wanted, warm and cuddly huh? Anyways, MAYBE I HAVE A DEVIATED SEPTUM!? could this be what has been plaguing me all these years? Am i next in line for a cute little pug (PUNNY) nose? That would really mess up that whole breed standard thing, huh?
Ok, maybe it's not a deviated septum, maybe i was just a bulldog in another life. a really, really cute one.
Snorting off,
DSB