When the Levi's broke

I would like to start by cleaning the slate: it's true that i have worn pants so tightly suctioned to my body, so impairing my mobility that on more than one occasion (but not more than say, two), i have split the crotch or ripped a hole in them. Now this is not everyday behavior but i'd be lying if i said it had never happened (let us not forget i moonlighted as a sorority sister for two years). That being said, i want you to know that today, the pants that ripped vertically from the waistband, past my butt, to half way down my thigh, fit me very nicely with room to grow. This sort of ordeal has never happened to me to such an extreme nor has it occurred in such a public place: the urban outfitters in the West Village. I will spare you all the sexy details and just let you know that having a few minutes to kill before my class at 6:20pm, i thought i would indulge in some fabric touching and price tag scorning. As i bent down to put my bag on the floor so i could pick up an item of clothing (which i ended up buying out of self pity/retail therapy) my pants split almost entirely in half. And i was lying, they weren't levi's at all (see title). They were dress pants (part of a suit, which ups their value) made of a polyester blend of sorts, i would imagine. I considered sharing the brand that makes them but i refuse to post that information here for fear of inadvertently promoting a retail establishment that has wronged me (sounds like Nanner Pubic).
So, just like that, my entire tuchas was exposed. my inner dialogue went something like this: don't panic you're IN a clothing store where they SELL pants. After frantically running around the store with a hand over my behind to cover up 1/3 of the exposure, i was faced with a predicament: $100 for a pair of red leggings or my white ass hanging out on W. 4th street. I'm a jewish girl with thighs, my decision had been made. Very fortunate for me and the rest of the pedestrians, bicyclists and motorists, i had an extra sweater in my bag. i double knotted it around my waist and left the store, laughing. Oh yeah, first i bought that tank top that caused this whole shitshow, then i left. laughing, yeah.